


My Heart is Pierced by...Thank You for not being Cupid!

by HQ_Wingster



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fishing, Gen, Inspired by Pirates of the Caribbean, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Not Beta Read, Prompt Fic, Sea Monsters, Self-cest, Team Bonding, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 15:22:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11557992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HQ_Wingster/pseuds/HQ_Wingster
Summary: People say that mermaid meat makes for some legendary sushi.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The pangs and woes of being a fisherman and for some reason, Kuroo's crew is skeptical as they approach Whitecap Bay. And out of nowhere, Lev starts singing to cheer up the mood."Gentlemen, Death lies before us while Debt dawdles from behind.""Should I start singing, Captain?""Lev, you can sing, but get in the bait-boat."





	My Heart is Pierced by...Thank You for not being Cupid!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [social_monstrosity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/social_monstrosity/gifts).
  * In response to a prompt by [social_monstrosity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/social_monstrosity/pseuds/social_monstrosity) in the [selfcestfest](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/selfcestfest) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
> What happens when a sailor caught out at sea, is rescued by a merman that looks exactly like him? He'll blame it on the prolonged exposure to sea water.  
> __
> 
> This can be rated however you'd like!!  
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
> AN: This story plays with some bodily humor. If vomit/motion-sickness freaks you out, ignore the beginning of this story

_ There were some things that men didn’t have to do, and there were some things that men had to do. _

By that logic, no one should’ve been out at sea while killer waves rocked a tiny fishing boat, to and fro right, to and fro left.

Money was important. No matter what people said, money was one of the few things that kept people away from stupid decisions. No, money was the  _ catalyst  _ behind a lot of stupid decisions, and Kuroo had done a stupid decision. Here and there. Not taking heed when some fishing boats were chained down with an anchor for the night. A big storm was brewing in the southwest, ready to swallow a boat and spit out the fractured deck for good measure.  _ Not good. _

_ Definitely  _ not good when Kuroo peeled back the lace-curtains in the community-cave, peeling the floral pattern away to reveal the gray, mouthwash that swirled the fishing boat around in circles. Behind Kuroo, the rest of the crew was down with motion-sickness. Puking into individual buckets, hacking up bits of breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Oranges, discolored eggs, whole sardines from a can, and what looked suspiciously like a hairball. No, it was a clump of wispy, seaweed that was caught in the back of Lev’s throat when he retched into his neon-bucket. From grimy, black boots to a soaked rain coat that clung to their skin, the crew offered a clean bucket to Kuroo when he huddled into the group for warmth. A dull flashlight in the middle. Imitating a fire, but without the warmth.

Kenma shivered in a corner, clinging to his bucket as if his life depended on it. There was nothing inside the container, but you shouldn’t bet on it. A sickly, green-tinge crawled up Kenma’s neck, and the young man hovered his face over the opening before groaning. Spitting perfectly clear saliva down the bucket’s mouth, anything to calm his upset stomach. Yamamoto slapped Kenma with a reassuring pat, motivating the latter to drop his head into the bucket so that he didn’t have to look at anybody.

“Look on the bright side! We’re all in this together.” Yamamoto rubbed elbows with a sickly Lev, enough of a jolt to force Lev to vomit again. Into Yamamoto's bucket.  _ “Cross-contamination!” _ He snapped Lev’s head to the right, and the wilting youth spilled his insides into his neon bucket. Just enough goo and stomach acid for Lev to groan at, a sinking anchor colliding with his chest. His puke-bucket was full. Too risky to dump it outside. Sharks weren’t the only fear out in sea. The chance of spillage on the way to the deck was far more concerning, so Yaku propped a lid over Lev’s bucket. Sniffling, Lev hugged his bucket to keep warm.

Inuoka and Fukunaga huddled against each other, blankly staring into their own buckets. Heads bobbing left and right as the boat rocked back and forth. _ Back and forth.  _ Inuoka managed to crack a joke, something to lighten the atmosphere. All it did was lighten the load in Fukunaga’s digestive chamber. He didn’t sign-up for this, and yet he was here. In a communal barfing-ritual with peers and total-strangers. Shibayama tried to make things better by telling stories, but it was easy to forget where you were when eight, desperate pair of eyes looked at you for hope. Enough to quiet Shibayama and a springy, string of spit ran out from his mouth. Before plopping into the contents down below.

Kuroo grimaced, a tight wad of saliva easing down his throat when he saw the state of his fishermen. The only person who was doing well-= _ besides him-- _ was Kai, and even the vice-captain of  _ Neko-Fish Boat  _ was succumbing to the motion-sickness. Kai wasn’t puking, but he didn’t open his eyes for a long time when the waves got steadily worse. Like a ticking time-bomb. Anxiety sank in, and the only thing left to do was close your eyes and hope that things got better.

As captain of the  _ Neko-Fish Boat,  _ there were only so much misery that Kuroo could take before he tried to cheer up his crew. He kept clapping until he got everyone’s attention.

“Men, we’re all going to die.”

_ “That’s not helpful, Sir.” _ Yaku clung to his bucket for support.

“I know it isn’t, but I’m a man of action. Not words.” Kuroo squinted at his crew. Damn, they should’ve bought an extra flashlight when they had the chance. He could barely see anybody in the darkness. And then, the flashlight decided to die on them. The men sucked on their own breaths, wondering what godforsaken sin in their past caused all of this misfortune. But then, a tiny light came from Kuroo. A lighter in his hand, the tiny flame drew his crew close and they were sane again. Just a mere wisp of warmth and light to remind them of why they were out in the storm in the first place.  _ For mermaids. _

For the legendary sea creatures, said to have the tastiest meat for sushi.  _ Yes _ .

If they could catch a mermaid or two, that would be a big, fat paycheck for the savings account. Enough for the crew and Kuroo to buy a better boat for fishing during stormy weather. Enough money to heal their aches, pains, and health in every sea voyage. Enough money where they could invest in bigger puke-buckets whenever Mother Nature called. It was  _ genius,  _ and mermaids could only be found during stormy weather. What weather was rocking the boat, side to side?  _ Bingo. _

Kuroo asked for his crew to huddle closer to his lighter. Close enough where he could see the  _ fire  _ reflected in their eyes. Because he didn’t gather a bunch of winners to join him on the seas, but a group of imperfect individuals that balanced each other out. For Kuroo, he couldn’t have picked a better a better crew to sail with, even to the ends of Human territory when the  _ Neko-Fish Boat  _ landed into the eye of the storm. The battlefield for mermaids.

_ “Gentlemen.” _ Kuroo kept chipping away at his lighter until a  _ worthy  _ flame for a bunch of eccentric underdogs shone brightly against their beating hearts. “Death lies before us while Debt dawdles from behind.”

“Should I start singing, Captain?”

"Lev, you can sing, but get in the bait-boat and sing like you mean it.” Kuroo clasped a proud hand over Lev’s shoulder, and the youth powered his way over to a bait boat. Ready to cast himself out to sea. But first, they had to park the  _ Neko-Fish Boat.  _ In charge of parking, Kai turned the steering wheel accordingly. Careful to dodge the rocks that surrounded a very creepy island in the middle of a storm. Did a parallel park right in front of a crumbling lighthouse. Made Kuroo proud.

“Kenma, Lev, Shibayama, and Inuoka. You guys are bait.”

“I’ll sing like I mean it.” Lev puffed his chest out in pride. Inuoka raised a weary finger while Shibayama carried his puke-bucket with him into the bait boat. Kenma raised a trembling hand, like a student waiting for the teacher to call on him.

“Kuroo, let’s rethink this.”

“Don’t worry. Your deaths won’t be in vain because I’m going to get a mermaid.” Pocking his lighter, Kuroo jumped off the  _ Neko-Fish Boat  _ and ran across the banks of the creepy island. Skipping along a crumbling boardwalk while he waved at his crew. “Yaku, get the lights! Lev, start singing!”

The bait boat drifted quietly over the serene sea. A very weak flashlight shone across the murky water when Lev began to sing.  _ Faintly. _

_ “Mary had a little--” _

“No offense, Lev. I think mermaids like pop culture.” Whipping out an imaginary microphone, Inuoka belted out an unrecognizable tune. It was probably an old classic, but it was hard to tell with the sudden thrills and drops in Inuoka’s voice.  _ “Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you~!”  _ Enough of a shrill to crack Yaku’s imaginary glasses, and he shouted at the bait boat. Telling the occupants to step up their game or all the vomit and motion-sickness was for nothing!

_ “Habata itara~” _

“A Naruto opening isn’t going to save your lives!” Yaku waved his flashlight around, almost dropping it into the water. Now wasn’t the time to facepalm. Yaku squinted at the murky water, trying to find a fin or a tail slap.  _ Something.  _ He glanced over at the boardwalk, watching Kuroo flick on and off his lighter with his thumb. Almost as if the man wanted to see the ocean burn under his fingertips. Yaku’s fingernails dug into the  _ Neko-Fish Boat. “There’s a blinding haze of heat. My heart nearly skips a beat~” _

_ “I get lost in the moment, ‘til you pat me on the back~”  _ Lev added his throaty voice into the song. Soon, Yaku and Lev were joined by Shibayama and Inuoka. Voices faint at first, but soon growing with strength. Like a fire. Bringing in a warmth and a light that drew mermaids in, an Lev’s voice jumped an octave when a silky tailfin slapped the surface of the water. Kenma held his breath when more tailfins slapped the edge of the water. The youth looked around the bait boat, fingers wrapped around a fishing net. Ready to toss the net into the water but then, he heard a voice. A familiar voice that began the fiery chorus of the song everyone else was singing.

_ “There will always be a strong haze, that will try and block tomorrow~” _

“I can’t tell if I’m in a fanfic for product-placement,” Kenma mumbled, tossing the fishing net overboard anyway. Dragging the line up, noticing the wispy whiskers of a catfish merman.

“Kenma-fish?”

“I’m sorry, you have the wrong person.” Kenma tossed the merman out, earning a yell from Yaku in the  _ Neko-Fish Boat.  _

_ “Kenma!” _

“It was a Kuroo-fish. I can’t sell my best friend for sushi,” Kenma mumbled.

“That sounds kind of fake,” Inuoka commented, grabbing a tailfin from the water and dragging the mermaid onto the boat. Ignoring the tell-tale vibe from her voice when she sung about pizza and volleyball to her capturer. Inuoka didn’t bat an eyelash. “All we need is one for sushi, right?”

“I think Yaku prefers if we have two,” Shibayama said, speaking over Lev’s fluctuating volume as he sang a full duet with a Yaku, who had already given-up long ago. “Where’s the Captain?”

Forming binoculars with his hands, Kenma scanned the crumbling boardwalk. Kuroo was...not there. Oh wait, his lighter had set the boardwalk ablaze. Shibayama whistled innocently as he rowed the bait boat away from the island, pretending that he didn’t notice the burning wreckage behind them. The eye of the storm was moving, so they had to move too. But where was Kuroo?

The man in question was underwater, swimming around. Looking for mermaids, but the slippery  _ beasts  _ were already swimming away. Fluttering under the waves like butterflies, moving along with the eye of the storm. Kuroo had to catch one.  _ At least  _ one, but the merpeople were already far below from where Kuroo could reach. If he wanted to survive, he had to surface.  _ Now.  _ Kuroo felt a pair of webbed hands hold him around the middle, hoisting him up into the air. Panting, Kuroo kicked his legs, keeping himself afloat when a merman surfaced after him.

“Gotta make sure you’re safe,  _ handsome.”  _ The merman look-alike winked, and Kuroo blamed this whole hallucination on prolonged salt-water exposure.

“We can exchange numbers later. Don’t eat me.” Kuroo paddled himself back to the  _ Neko-Fish Boat.  _ Where Yaku threw down a line, and Kuroo climbed up the side of the fishing boat. Going back into the unruly storm and pretending that this whole experience was a mere hallucination. At least the crew was paid handsomely for their effort, and Kuroo kept an aquarium in his office. Where one day, his merman-self would live in the tank.

But that was a different story.


End file.
